We’ve All Been Hurt, We All Need Healing

No one is immune to hurt. It transcends social status, nationality, gender, job title, marital status, religion, and race. We acquire hurts like we acquire years. It’s part of the human experience. Some of us deal with deeper, more painful experiences than others. But regardless of the degree of pain, we all have this experience in We've All Been Hurt, We All Need Healingcommon.

As a guy, I know we don’t like to admit we have emotional scars, but we do. That breakup hurt us. The rejection stung. Getting passed up for the promotion was painful. Your wife’s words during the argument wounded.

Of course we all learn to get over hurts. We develop coping mechanisms that help us recover, move on, trust again, love again, and hopefully, forgive. But those hurts remain part of us. We rarely shed them, we just cover them. People don’t know the pain we’ve dealt with because we disguise it with smiles, busyness, humor, or surface-level relationships.

We remember hurts much more than positive experiences. They’re more traumatic. I tend to bury emotional hurts. I try not to think of them and let the past be the past. There is some benefit to that because it doesn’t allow negative experiences to taint my future. But there are times I feel it’s important to remember my hurts. Remember what it was like to be rejected, ridiculed, dumped, dismissed, or betrayed. Because the thought of that pain prevents me from hurting others.

Most of us internalize hurt, we think no one has dealt with the degree of pain that we have. But people all around us—our family, co-workers, friends, neighbors—have as much hurt as we do. And if we realize that, we will deal with people differently. We will speak differently. Think differently. Act differently.

I don’t know the hurt you have experienced, but I know I don’t want to contribute to that hurt. I want to contribute to your healing. I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t mean I want to talk people through their issues, but there are simple things I can do, we all can do, to help heal without digging through people’s baggage. Here are ways we can contribute to others’ healing:

  1. Speak kindly: Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” Kind words and compliments can do wonders when it comes to healing. I don’t know about you, but when someone compliments me, my ego soars, and that’s not a bad thing. A simple compliment can change somebody’s day, erasing a bitter moment with a memorable word that’s as sweet as honey
  2. Walk in meekness: This one isn’t easy for us because we associate meekness with weakness. We think we’ll be eaten alive if we’re meek. But this world needs more meekness, which doesn’t mean weak, but rather gentle, mild, patient, and moderate. By displaying this characteristic—being patient, understanding, and not harsh with people—we allow people to work through their hurts with grace. This is particularly important in our close relationships (spouse, boy/girlfriend, family).
  3. Speak to people’s potential: We are all works in progress, which is code for “we screw up a lot and need grace.” Most of us tend to beat ourselves up or reflect on hurts when things aren’t going right. At these moments, it’s hard to see past our present predicament. That’s why we need to see the potential in others, and speak to that in people. Tell them you see what they are becoming: Let them know they are good parents even if their kids are raising hell; tell them they are talented when they just got laid off; tell them they are a good friend even when they mess up relationships. They know they aren’t there yet. But you’re not lying to them, you’re pointing them towards their future selves. You’re speaking to the person they are becoming, not the one they are.

You don’t have to have all your hurt healed before you help others. By contributing to the healing of others, you tend to heal yourself in the process.

Realize your hurts simply connect you with everyone else. Let your pain sensitize you to the pain of others, and help you to be a healer.

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The Hard Work of Friendship

I have a saying that I adopted in college: “Friends are family.” It’s more of a way of life than just a saying. I developed some great friendships during my college years. It helped that most of those relationships came from a campus ministry I served with, connecting us further through our shared faith and service.The Hard Work of Friendship

It’s almost like friendship came easy those days. I saw my friends every day, ate with them, studied with them, procrastinated then crammed with them…we experienced life together. But after those college years it’s not quite as easy to form those types of bonds. As we grow older and our lives get more complicated with work, relationships, children, and other things that monopolize our time, forming new, deep friendships doesn’t happen as naturally or rapidly.

Sure, we have new friendships, but are they the same? Is five minutes of chatting after church service or a brief conversation at the gym really a friendship? You may spend a bit more time with people than that, but I’d bet you have more surface-level friendships than family-like bonds.

That’s the case with me, and much of it is my fault. My temperament doesn’t require a lot of deep friendships. As long as I have that closeness with a few friends, I can get by. But as we go through life changes—moves & marriages; promotions & parenthood—time with that “family” is few and far between.

I haven’t been open to new, in-depth friendships as I should be. Why? They take work. Post-college life isn’t conducive to fast-developing friendships. It’s rare to form strong bonds quickly. I just don’t see people as frequently, nor do I have the downtime to invest in others. Deep friendships don’t just happen, they take intention.

I have to be more intentional. I have to intentionally engage in conversations so they go beyond the surface. It’s easy to shoot the breeze about work, weather, or some other worthless topic, but to stay in the conversation long enough so it ventures deeper, to more pertinent issues, takes commitment. It takes time. A drive-by conversation won’t get you there.

I have to have a greater interest in the person I’m trying to bond with. I have to ask questions that reveal who they are, not just what they do. We have enough facts about people (where they live, the work they do, their relationship status), but we don’t know their hearts. What are their passions, dreams, and concerns? What bothers them? How can we contribute to their lives?

Ultimately, in order to have friends like family, I have to open up more to people. As Brene´ Brown said, “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.” Revealing your true self is the only path to true friendship. As we open up, it opens doors to deeper relationships. As author and speaker Sheridan Voysey said: “When we take the risk to share, it opens up all manner of untold stories.” Friendship inherently takes risk. But we really have nothing to lose, and great friendships to gain.

So if you’re like me, and you know your friendships should have more depth, be intentional in going beyond the surface. It takes work, but the results are worth it.

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You Can’t Do Anything Without Courage

I’m sort of enamored with the concept of courage. I love reading the Old Testament with all its acts of valor. Just reading the term “valiant men” anywhere in scripture makes me want to grab a sword and shield or slingshot and go find an uncircumcised Philistine.

photo by rowena waack via compfight
photo by rowena waack via compfight

Of course there are different characteristics of courage now than in O.T. days, but you get the point.

God is big on courage as well. He’s constantly telling us to be courageous, and do not fear (variations of that phrase are mentioned roughly 100 times in the Bible). Yet, I heard one of the greatest explanations of courage from an interview with Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle. Yeah, those two make strange bedfellows for sure. I came across this episode of Iconoclast shortly after Maya’s death, where she explained courage as “the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”

Wow.

I find that to be true. Whatever virtues you aspire to — whether it’s the fruit of the Spirit or some other set of values — it takes courage to live them.

Courage to love when there’s no guarantee you’ll be loved in return. To love after you’ve been heartbroken. To love when it’s misunderstood.

Courage to be patient when you’re pressured to react. To wait when you want to go. To not get ahead of yourself or the process.

Courage to be humble and admit you’re wrong. Courage to forgive.

Courage to have faith. To believe in the midst of negative circumstances. To trust God when everyone else is doubting.

Courage. It’s the virtue that allows you to live every other virtue. It’s a virtue that is already in you. God wouldn’t tell us to be courageous if it was beyond our ability to do so. He has equipped us with courage. We may not see it. We may not feel it. We may not use it often enough. But it’s in us. We just need to conjure it up more often. Practice it. Doing so allows the other virtues to operate.

 

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Your Potential is Greater than Your Limits

Sometimes I feel inadequate. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m over my head, and I don’t quite know how to navigate through certain situations in life. Chances are, you’ve been there too. You may be overwhelmed with those thoughts and feelings now (and if you’ve never felt that way, you will at some point).Your Potential is Greater than Your Limits

There are many people from the Bible who had these same feelings (see Moses, Abraham, Elijah, Gideon…well, everyone actually). Life has always had a way of making humans feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and inadequate at times. Whether it’s a result of our own actions, natural circumstances, or God pushing us into unexpected roles, these type of situations can be frustrating.

I was reading about Saul, the first king of Israel, and the predicament he found himself in. Of course, we know Saul ended up doing some stupid things, disobeyed God, and turned into a psychopath seeking to murder his son-in-law (David), but before all of that, he was a pretty decent guy.

Saul was just going about his business one day when the prophet, Samuel, anointed him king. He wasn’t looking to become royalty; God chose him. When it was time for his coronation in front of the people of Israel, Saul was hiding. Bible scholars note that Saul felt inadequate to be king:

  • He was part of an unheralded family of the smallest tribe of Israel.
  • He was being put in a role that was foreign to him.
  • He didn’t even rule his family, but he was being appointed to rule a nation.
  • He wasn’t a warrior, but he had to lead Israel in battle.

And on top of that, there was no example to follow because Israel never had a king. Talk about pressure. Sometimes we feel like Saul did that day. We face seasons and moments of inadequacy. We feel like we’re insufficient or ill-equipped to:

…be a spouse.

…be a parent.

…run or start a business.

…buy a home.

…take on the new role at work.

…go to grad school.

…follow our dreams.

Our inexperience in these areas can bring fear, hesitation, procrastination, worry, and stress. But we can be encouraged by the story of Saul and many others in the Bible. God called Saul to the role of king. Whatever Saul lacked in ability didn’t disqualify him in God’s eyes. God had a plan for him, even if it wasn’t apparent yet. He knew what Saul could become with Him. Whatever endeavor you’re pursuing or role you are in, realize that God has you there. He knows your limits, but He knows your potential as well.

You may not feel “called” or “appointed” to your situation. You may have gotten there by happenstance or mishap. Either way, God has appointed Himself to be with you at all times. And if He’s with you, helping you, then you’re equipped for anything.

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The New Year’s Resolution that Will Transform You

“Your journey begins with a choice to get up, step out, and live fully.”  Oprah Winfrey

I no longer do New Year’s resolutions. I stopped that several years ago, replacing them with goal-setting, which is sort of like resolutions but just sounds like something you can keep longer than January.The New Year's Resolution that Will Transform Your Life

But in recent years I’ve ditched that too and have focused on one theme for each new year. It’s sometimes a single word, phrase or idea that I focus on living by each year. I’ve found this to be more effective. The truth is, resolutions or goals don’t really change us. They can change our habits, they can change our diets, our careers, or the number of the scale, but most resolutions don’t transform who we are. Living by a theme does. It transforms your life and character.

In the past, some of my themes were Live a Better Story (2012), Sacrifice (2013), and Don’t Plan it, Do It (2014), and each one has changed me. Those themes became embedded into my character, so much so that I subconsciously still live by those principles.

This year my theme is to live fully.

That phrase is often used as a cliché and can be vague, but it’s become a clear mandate for me.

Last year I wrote a couple posts about death and how it helps us filter what’s important in life. Thinking about our mortality pushes us to do the things that matter most to us. That, essentially, is what living fully is to me.

It’s realizing, as David Crowder Band once sang, that “life is happening, and it means everything.” This is not our practice life. It’s the only chance we get. So I can’t waste time on doubts, worries, insecurity, unforgiveness, fear, or selfishness.

I can’t hold back or delay desires and ambitions for “next year,” “sometime in the future,” or “one day.” Someday may never come. I don’t know what the future holds. But for now, I have 2015, and I must live it fully.

I can’t sacrifice relationships for my schedule. No one gets to the end of his/her life and says: “I spent too much time with family and friends.” Life is about the moments we make and the bonds we share with others.

Living fully is tasting life for all that it is. It’s loving, connecting, listening, learning, forgiving, understanding, risking, and embracing. It’s being fully engaged with the people and the work we love. It’s the theme that will guide my decisions and actions this year.

What does living fully look like to you? If you were to choose a theme for 2015, what would it be? I’d love to hear your heart.

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Thoughts on faith and life