Some people told me “you just know,” or “you have this feeling.” No help there. Could you be anymore vague? Others had stories of God telling them they would marry someone before they had even met her. Sounds cool but God rarely reveals His plan beforehand to me.
When it came down to it, there were several reasons I knew I had found the right woman for me, but none more vital than the fact that we had fought, argued, pissed each other off, offended each other, yet we learned how to resolve the issues, rectify our problems, forgive, and still love.
Along with that, here are five things I learned in finding my future wife.
- FINDING A SOULMATE IS A MYTH
I may have found the one I want to spend my life with, but the idea of a “soulmate” is erroneous, dangerous, somewhat heretical, and otherwise B.S.
I, like many lovesick saps (both Christian and secular) grew up believing there was one chick out there specially-designed for me. Our souls were connected even though we hadn’t met. It falls in the line with romantic fairy tales and emotional porn that often give us unrealistic expectations and perceptions of what relationships and romance are about.
No woman was designed or designated for me, nor was I designed or designated for a woman. We are designed for God, that’s it. We meet people along the way that we connect with, complement, and carry out a purpose together.
- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED
Like many people, I had a list of the type of mate I wanted. It was a short list with some basic characteristics to help me measure potential partners by. Though my fiancée embodied most of the things, there were others that she didn’t.
For example, I wanted a woman who was an extrovert because I thought it would balance my introvert tendencies. Well, my fiancée isn’t an extrovert. And in the process of being frustrated with that, I realized that I wasn’t an introvert. I’m much more outgoing than I realized. And our personalities balance each other. No matter how old we are, we’re still in the process of self-discovery. It’s hard to know exactly who we need when we don’t truly know ourselves.
- CONFLICT IS GOOD
I had already started to learn that conflict was necessary for character development, but never have I experienced it like I have in this relationship.
Oftentimes when things are going rough in life we think it’s an indicator that we’re on the wrong path. But it’s usually the opposite. Anything worth having will require conflict to get. Conflict shapes our character.
A pastor once told me that it’s good that our relationship had rough spots. If we had no issues, then there would be cause for concern.
- YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK
I always thought I was a great catch. Heck, for some lucky woman I’d be the ideal man. I’m a gentleman, romantic, patient, love God, have a good job, etc. But I had more flaws than I realized… way more flaws than I realized.
The relationship brought all the crap to the surface. Awareness of my flaws makes me more patient and understanding of hers.
- LOVE IS A CHOICE
If nothing else I’ve learned on this journey so far it’s that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. There are days when I don’t feel like loving my fiancée. I don’t feel in love. But I have decided to love. No matter what, I have decided to love. And when you’ve made that choice, feelings follow.