Tag Archives: relationships

5 Things I Learned Before Getting Engaged

So I got engaged a few months ago. I always wondered when the time came how I would know I’d found the right woman to spend the rest of my life with.5 Things I learned Before Getting Engaged

Some people told me “you just know,” or “you have this feeling.” No help there. Could you be anymore vague? Others had stories of God telling them they would marry someone before they had even met her. Sounds cool but God rarely reveals His plan beforehand to me.

When it came down to it, there were several reasons I knew I had found the right woman for me, but none more vital than the fact that we had fought, argued, pissed each other off, offended each other, yet we learned how to resolve the issues, rectify our problems, forgive, and still love.

Along with that, here are five things I learned in finding my future wife.

  1. FINDING  A SOULMATE IS A MYTH

I may have found the one I want to spend my life with, but the idea of a “soulmate” is erroneous, dangerous, somewhat heretical, and otherwise B.S.

I, like many lovesick saps (both Christian and secular) grew up believing there was one chick out there specially-designed for me. Our souls were connected even though we hadn’t met. It falls in the line with romantic fairy tales and emotional porn that often give us unrealistic expectations and perceptions of what relationships and romance are about.

No woman was designed or designated for me, nor was I designed or designated for a woman. We are designed for God, that’s it. We meet people along the way that we connect with, complement, and carry out a purpose together.

  1. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED

Like many people, I had a list of the type of mate I wanted. It was a short list with some basic characteristics to help me measure potential partners by. Though my fiancée embodied most of the things, there were others that she didn’t.

For example, I wanted a woman who was an extrovert because I thought it would balance my introvert tendencies. Well, my fiancée isn’t an extrovert. And in the process of being frustrated with that, I realized that I wasn’t an introvert. I’m much more outgoing than I realized. And our personalities balance each other. No matter how old we are, we’re still in the process of self-discovery. It’s hard to know exactly who we need when we don’t truly know ourselves.

  1. CONFLICT IS GOOD

I had already started to learn that conflict was necessary for character development, but never have I experienced it like I have in this relationship.

Oftentimes when things are going rough in life we think it’s an indicator that we’re on the wrong path. But it’s usually the opposite. Anything worth having will require conflict to get. Conflict shapes our character.

A pastor once told me that it’s good that our relationship had rough spots. If we had no issues, then there would be cause for concern.

  1. YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK

I always thought I was a great catch. Heck, for some lucky woman I’d be the ideal man. I’m a gentleman, romantic, patient, love God, have a good job, etc. But I had more flaws than I realized… way more flaws than I realized.

The relationship brought all the crap to the surface. Awareness of my flaws makes me more patient and understanding of hers.

  1. LOVE IS A CHOICE

If nothing else I’ve learned on this journey so far it’s that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. There are days when I don’t feel like loving my fiancée. I don’t feel in love. But I have decided to love. No matter what, I have decided to love. And when you’ve made that choice, feelings follow.

 

 

Do you like this? Share it

You Have All You Need

The older I get, the more I understand the importance of relationships and the more I learn to appreciate them. Plain and simple: we need each other.

It seems like an obvious concept, but putting it into practice isn’t friendshipeasy because we often take people for granted. We take the time we have with people for granted. We take the bonds we have – whether in marriage, family, friendship, church fellowship, or work – for granted. I don’t believe it’s because we’re horrible people who don’t give a damn about others. It’s because we are constantly drawn away from community in our culture.

Every day we are bombarded with marketing messages that push us toward self-gratification and indulgence. We’re told that you deserve this or that. Or this is how you get ahead (everything is a competition it seems). Or your life will be miserable and incomplete unless you get this car, this smartphone, or try this diet.

It’s easy to get caught up in the mind-set that we need things to satisfy us. We feel if we just get the promotion…if we just get into that university…if we just get that home…or if we can move to that city…if we just get a different job, then life will be great. We are driven and programmed to think that way because we are constantly lied to, both by the media and Satan, that we are not happy. That we don’t have enough.

The truth is we have everything we need. I saw a Facebook post from Joel Osteen the other day that spoke to this:

“Psalm 34 says, ‘Those who trust in the Lord will never lack any good thing.’ This means if you don’t have it right now, you don’t need it right now. Our attitude should be: ‘I’m equipped, empowered and anointed for this moment. I am not lacking, shortchanged or inadequate. I have what I need for today.'”

Obviously the Word is quite different from the messages we hear and see each day.

So what does this have to do with relationships? I believe how God equips us for each moment, season, and challenge in life is with each other. We are the answer to each other’s’ prayers. While the culture and media push us toward things, God pushes us toward each other.

I think of Jesus’ life. Obviously He wasn’t caught up in things, but He was obsessed with people. He always was teaching, eating, conversing, walking, and talking with people. Even when He isolated Himself, it was to spend intimate prayer time with His Father.

We are made for community. A couple of weeks ago, I spent quality time with friends on a retreat. It was so refreshing – yes, to get away from my regular routine – but mainly because of the people I was with.

Time with friends and family is golden.

As seasons in our lives end – whether we move to a new city, change jobs, graduate college, or get to the end of life – we don’t miss the car we drove, the house we lived in, the place we worked, or the area we lived so much. We miss the people we experienced life with. We miss the bonds we had.

So while you may feel you’re lacking in an area of life – whether it’s because you’re single, unemployed, unhappily employed, or just experiencing general discontent – I challenge to look around you, not at things but at the people in your life. Even if your true friends are few, you have all you need for this moment in life. Enjoy it. Enjoy them.

 

Do you like this? Share it

3 Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Even if You Hate It

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so you’re probably saying one of three things:

“I freakin’ hate it!”3 ways to celebrate valentine's day even if you hate it

“I can’t wait for it!

“What day is that again?”

It’s not surprising that a day about love can draw such emotional or even indifferent reactions. That’s how love is. It’s an emotional thing. No feeling tugs on our hearts like love. I’ve probably had all three reactions to Feb. 14 at different times in my life. I’ve been single and lonely, despising the every commercial and TV show celebrating love that I lacked. I’ve been in love and eagerly planning the perfect date (and ordering flowers too late to arrive by Feb. 14). And I’ve been indifferent.

The reason we have these different reactions to Valentine’s Day is because it’s marketed to one segment of the population. If you’re not “cuffed” for the season, it ain’t for you. But if the day is truly about love, then it shouldn’t be limited to couples.

The best Valentine’s days were in elementary school. Remember then? Everyone bought a box of mini-Valentine’s Day cards to give to each person in class. It was big party with sweetheart tarts, heart-shaped candy, chocolate…it was like Halloween in February minus the costumes. I remember in third grade we had a big ice cream party. School was awesome then. But the best part is no one felt excluded. Sure I had a crush on the girl two rows behind me and she paid me no attention. But heck, I still got ice cream, candy, and cards from every girl in the class anyway, so it wasn’t a bad day.

But after elementary school, Valentine’s Day is a roller-coaster of emotions: some years you’re up, some years you’re down. But what if we went old school on Valentine’s Day? What if we took it back to when everyone was included? That’s what love really is like, right? Jesus is the author of love and His love is for everyone. It’s inclusive. So how can you make this the most inclusive Valentine’s weekend you’ve ever experienced? It may take some last-minute planning, but it’s easy to pull off. Here are three ways to have an inclusive, true love Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or coupled.

  1. REACH OUT TO A WIDOW OR SOMEONE RECENTLY DIVORCED

A married couple I’m friends with did this a few years ago. A woman at church lost her husband in recent months. It was going to be her first Valentine’s Day alone in more than 30 years. So the couple invited her to their home. Their children made cards for her and decorated the place. They bought her flowers and had a family dinner with her. She said it was one of the best days she had since her husband died. There’s likely someone in your church, community, or family who has been widowed, divorced, or separated within the last year or so. This is the perfect opportunity to show them love this weekend.

  1. THROW AN EPIC PARTY 

Take it back to elementary school and host a Valentine’s Day party. Call up some friends, tell them to bring games, wine, and ice cream. Just celebrate those you love most. As a bonus, have each person write a note or card for someone in the group explaining what their friendship means. Don’t be exclusive either. This is not pity party for singles. Invite couples and singles and share the love.

  1. SERVE

Love is giving. There are plenty of opportunities in your area to volunteer to help people less fortunate. Whether it’s serving a meal at the Salvation Army, giving clothing to the homeless (it’s going to be ridiculously cold in the Northeast this weekend), giving out Valentine’s Day cards at a nursing home or children’s hospital, or simply ordering a meal for someone who is experiencing hard times. Choose to give this Valentine’s Day.

It’s time to take Valentine’s Day back from the marketers. We know love is broader than romance. Let’s make this holiday more inclusive. So whether you have a bae or not this weekend, think outside the (chocolate) box, and celebrate love in a grander way.

 

 

Do you like this? Share it

We’ve All Been Hurt, We All Need Healing

No one is immune to hurt. It transcends social status, nationality, gender, job title, marital status, religion, and race. We acquire hurts like we acquire years. It’s part of the human experience. Some of us deal with deeper, more painful experiences than others. But regardless of the degree of pain, we all have this experience in We've All Been Hurt, We All Need Healingcommon.

As a guy, I know we don’t like to admit we have emotional scars, but we do. That breakup hurt us. The rejection stung. Getting passed up for the promotion was painful. Your wife’s words during the argument wounded.

Of course we all learn to get over hurts. We develop coping mechanisms that help us recover, move on, trust again, love again, and hopefully, forgive. But those hurts remain part of us. We rarely shed them, we just cover them. People don’t know the pain we’ve dealt with because we disguise it with smiles, busyness, humor, or surface-level relationships.

We remember hurts much more than positive experiences. They’re more traumatic. I tend to bury emotional hurts. I try not to think of them and let the past be the past. There is some benefit to that because it doesn’t allow negative experiences to taint my future. But there are times I feel it’s important to remember my hurts. Remember what it was like to be rejected, ridiculed, dumped, dismissed, or betrayed. Because the thought of that pain prevents me from hurting others.

Most of us internalize hurt, we think no one has dealt with the degree of pain that we have. But people all around us—our family, co-workers, friends, neighbors—have as much hurt as we do. And if we realize that, we will deal with people differently. We will speak differently. Think differently. Act differently.

I don’t know the hurt you have experienced, but I know I don’t want to contribute to that hurt. I want to contribute to your healing. I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t mean I want to talk people through their issues, but there are simple things I can do, we all can do, to help heal without digging through people’s baggage. Here are ways we can contribute to others’ healing:

  1. Speak kindly: Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” Kind words and compliments can do wonders when it comes to healing. I don’t know about you, but when someone compliments me, my ego soars, and that’s not a bad thing. A simple compliment can change somebody’s day, erasing a bitter moment with a memorable word that’s as sweet as honey
  2. Walk in meekness: This one isn’t easy for us because we associate meekness with weakness. We think we’ll be eaten alive if we’re meek. But this world needs more meekness, which doesn’t mean weak, but rather gentle, mild, patient, and moderate. By displaying this characteristic—being patient, understanding, and not harsh with people—we allow people to work through their hurts with grace. This is particularly important in our close relationships (spouse, boy/girlfriend, family).
  3. Speak to people’s potential: We are all works in progress, which is code for “we screw up a lot and need grace.” Most of us tend to beat ourselves up or reflect on hurts when things aren’t going right. At these moments, it’s hard to see past our present predicament. That’s why we need to see the potential in others, and speak to that in people. Tell them you see what they are becoming: Let them know they are good parents even if their kids are raising hell; tell them they are talented when they just got laid off; tell them they are a good friend even when they mess up relationships. They know they aren’t there yet. But you’re not lying to them, you’re pointing them towards their future selves. You’re speaking to the person they are becoming, not the one they are.

You don’t have to have all your hurt healed before you help others. By contributing to the healing of others, you tend to heal yourself in the process.

Realize your hurts simply connect you with everyone else. Let your pain sensitize you to the pain of others, and help you to be a healer.

Do you like this? Share it

The Hard Work of Friendship

I have a saying that I adopted in college: “Friends are family.” It’s more of a way of life than just a saying. I developed some great friendships during my college years. It helped that most of those relationships came from a campus ministry I served with, connecting us further through our shared faith and service.The Hard Work of Friendship

It’s almost like friendship came easy those days. I saw my friends every day, ate with them, studied with them, procrastinated then crammed with them…we experienced life together. But after those college years it’s not quite as easy to form those types of bonds. As we grow older and our lives get more complicated with work, relationships, children, and other things that monopolize our time, forming new, deep friendships doesn’t happen as naturally or rapidly.

Sure, we have new friendships, but are they the same? Is five minutes of chatting after church service or a brief conversation at the gym really a friendship? You may spend a bit more time with people than that, but I’d bet you have more surface-level friendships than family-like bonds.

That’s the case with me, and much of it is my fault. My temperament doesn’t require a lot of deep friendships. As long as I have that closeness with a few friends, I can get by. But as we go through life changes—moves & marriages; promotions & parenthood—time with that “family” is few and far between.

I haven’t been open to new, in-depth friendships as I should be. Why? They take work. Post-college life isn’t conducive to fast-developing friendships. It’s rare to form strong bonds quickly. I just don’t see people as frequently, nor do I have the downtime to invest in others. Deep friendships don’t just happen, they take intention.

I have to be more intentional. I have to intentionally engage in conversations so they go beyond the surface. It’s easy to shoot the breeze about work, weather, or some other worthless topic, but to stay in the conversation long enough so it ventures deeper, to more pertinent issues, takes commitment. It takes time. A drive-by conversation won’t get you there.

I have to have a greater interest in the person I’m trying to bond with. I have to ask questions that reveal who they are, not just what they do. We have enough facts about people (where they live, the work they do, their relationship status), but we don’t know their hearts. What are their passions, dreams, and concerns? What bothers them? How can we contribute to their lives?

Ultimately, in order to have friends like family, I have to open up more to people. As Brene´ Brown said, “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.” Revealing your true self is the only path to true friendship. As we open up, it opens doors to deeper relationships. As author and speaker Sheridan Voysey said: “When we take the risk to share, it opens up all manner of untold stories.” Friendship inherently takes risk. But we really have nothing to lose, and great friendships to gain.

So if you’re like me, and you know your friendships should have more depth, be intentional in going beyond the surface. It takes work, but the results are worth it.

Do you like this? Share it